Do you recognize violence?

Bylgja has recently moved into a small but very cozy apartment close to the university. At first, she finds the landlord friendly and helpful, but his frequent knocking to check on the apartment soon becomes intrusive. She asks him not to come unannounced, yet he continues to do so. He also calls her sometimes to chat. She wants to ignore the calls but fears they might be about the apartment.

One evening, she thinks she sees the landlord smoking in a car across the street. When she sees him outside her school, she doesn't dare go home and instead goes to a friend's place.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Harassing someone with unwanted attention or communication, whether in person or over the phone, that does not cease when asked is abuse. Stalkers use this behavior to threaten and control another person.

Stalkers can be strangers but are often connected to the person in some way, such as an ex-partner or someone who has regular interactions with them.

Read about stalking.

Ingvar is 13 years old and plays basketball. His new coach is energetic and youthful, though over thirty. The coach sometimes invites the boys over to his place after practice to watch basketball movies. One time, Ingvar is the only one to show up, and the coach praises him, admitting that Ingvar is his favorite.

After that, they start meeting alone and become close friends without anybody knowing. The secret causes Ingvar to drift away from his friends and family. The coach gives him clothes and alcohol and often massages him after practices. One time, they watch pornography together, and it ends in sexual intercourse. Ingvar finds it exciting but something is nagging at him. He wants to tell someone but doesn't dare to now.

Is this abuse?

Yes. This is abuse.

It is abuse when an older, more experienced person entices a young person into sexual relations. Grooming starts with gaining the victim's trust. The groomer gives gifts and money, offers compliments and attention, shares secrets, and builds empathy. The interactions are secretive, and thus the victim becomes isolated.

Grooming can occur in person or online, against children and young people. Grooming can also be directed at young adults and vulnerable adults.

Read about grooming.

Linh is a 30-year-old woman from Vietnam. She and Jón are married with two preschool-aged children. She found it difficult moving alone from Vietnam five years ago and knows few people in Iceland. She doesn't speak English but has managed to learn Icelandic fairly well.

Initially, Jón made sure Linh wasn't bored, but after losing his job, he began to drink more and became moody. No matter what Linh does, Jón seems to find something wrong with it. One time, as Linh is on her way to meet other moms from the preschool, Jón stands threateningly in her way at the door, preventing her from leaving.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Threatening with facial expressions or physical presence is abuse. Repeated criticism and isolation are signs of abuse in a relationship.

Foreign women in Iceland are especially vulnerable to abuse. Perpetrators often exploit their weak position and may even provide them with incorrect information about their rights and the assistance available.

Áslaug is in a tumultuous relationship and keeps telling her husband what she finds unacceptable in their communication, but he continually crosses her boundaries. After becoming pregnant, the situation has only worsened. She now avoids discussing certain topics because they just make him angry.

Áslaug is aware that she is not perfect herself and sometimes does things she knows will anger him. Áslaug has screamed and pushed back to escape from violent situations. He has never hit her but sometimes holds her down and throws objects.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse

Not listening to your partner, crossing their boundaries, throwing objects, and physical coercion, such as restraining someone, are all forms of abuse. Abuse in a relationship often begins or escalates when the woman becomes pregnant.

A 'tumultuous' relationship could potentially be an abusive relationship. Victims often feel they too are violent when they defend themselves, but upon closer inspection, it is usually easy to determine who holds more power and is thus more likely to be the controller in the situation.

After Fjóla's child's father suddenly left her and their 3-year-old daughter, Ásdís, she increasingly turned to alcohol. The more Fjóla drinks, the more often she becomes angry with Ásdís, who looks a lot like her father. Fjóla often accuses Ásdís of being the reason their father left, or tells her to go to her room because she can't stand to look at her.

Fjóla's neighbor frequently looks after Ásdís, but when Fjóla doesn't pick up her daughter until the next morning, the neighbor is unsure what to do.

Is this abuse

Yes, this is abuse

Telling children that they are worthless or unloved is emotional abuse. It is neglect to leave a child with someone else for an unreasonably long time. In this situation, the neighbor should contact Child Protection Services to report the child's circumstances so that Fjóla and Ásdís can be helped.

Child abuse

Is someone hurting or harming you at home? Or do you know a child or teenager who is suffering because of abuse? If you call 112, the police can help. Children can also call 1717, the Red Cross helpline, or use their Live Chat service.

Friðrik once came across the social media passwords that his girlfriend, Katla, uses and memorized them. He sometimes logs in without her knowing to check her messages. He also regularly looks through her phone and set up 'share location' on her Snapchat to see where she is. He knows he should not do this but cannot help himself, he is so afraid that Katla might be cheating.

One evening, when Katla says she is going out to meet an old classmate from junior college, they argue because Friðrik is convinced that Katla is going to cheat. It ends with Friðrik threatening to kill her if she goes out.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

It is not okay to spy on others' activities and monitor their movements, and it is definitely not okay to steal others' passwords. That is digital abuse. Threats of suicide can be emotional abuse when used as a means of control.

Unhealthy love

Is the love overwhelmingly intense or is it 'unhealthy'?

Hulda has been in a relationship with Elísa for nearly a year. Hulda is very fond of Elísa but doesn't feel quite right. She has not yet met Elísa's family despite wanting to. Elísa always says it's because of drama with her ex-girlfriend, but Hulda is afraid that the real reason is that she is a transgender woman.

When Hulda confronts Elísa about this, Elísa says she won't introduce her to her family unless Hulda undergoes gender confirmation surgery.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Denying a relationship, such as not introducing a partner to your family, and pressuring for physical changes, is emotional abuse.

LGBT+ individuals are more likely to experience prejudice and discrimination in society than non-LGBT+ people, leading to stress often referred to as microaggressions. Additionally, LGBT+ people can be subjected to violence at home. Thus, no place is safe, and the trauma is even greater.

• Samtökin'78 offers counseling for LGBT+ individuals who have experienced violence.
• LGBT+ people and domestic violence.

María is a disabled woman who needs assistance with various activities in daily life. María lives in a supported apartment complex where she usually feels good. However, she sometimes feels that some staff do not consider her needs.

She had a difficult morning, and the staff member helping her, Björn, was not happy with how she spoke to him. Now, Björn says nothing when María speaks to him but ignores her. The silence is so oppressive that she doesn't dare to ask for lunch even though she is very hungry.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Using silence or sulking as a control tool is emotional abuse. Disagreements can always arise between partners in a relationship, and sometimes it's hard to recognize what constitutes psychological abuse. It is always abuse when one party has dominance and uses it to get their way.

Research shows that disabled people are more likely to experience violence than non-disabled people. At the same time, disabled victims are often not listened to, and their cases may even be silenced.

Story of an autistic woman

Disabled people have the right to be safe and to be heard in difficult situations.

• Violence against disabled people.

Ólafur is a content man who has recently turned 80 and still lives in his own home. One of his grandchildren, Hrafnhildur, often helps him with tasks that are difficult for him, such as shopping and paying bills. Ólafur gave Hrafnhildur access to his online banking for this purpose.

A few months later, when Ólafur wanted to buy a new sofa, it was revealed that Hrafnhildur had regularly transferred money from his account to herself. He first thought it was a misunderstanding, but when he asks Hrafnhildur, she says she feels entitled to the money and does not intend to pay him back.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

If someone uses your money without your consent, it's financial abuse. Other forms of financial abuse include signing you up for joint debts, preventing you from seeing information about a joint bank account, transferring your money to their account, and giving you an allowance.

Older people often need assistance from others and are therefore more vulnerable to abuse than many other groups. Some older people may not even realize that they are being abused.

• Financial abuse.

Andri was thrilled when he swiped right on Helga's picture and found out she was interested in him too. They had attended the same junior college, with Helga being a year older, popular, and in Andri’s opinion, much more attractive. They started chatting through the app and soon began flirting.

But now, Andri feels terrible. Helga asked him for a nude photo of himself and promised to send one in return, which she never did. Instead, Helga forwarded Andri's photo to her friends, and now they’re all sizing up Andri’s naked body. Helga finds all of this amusing and belittles Andri's protests. She even posted their chat on Instagram, and all the kids at school have liked it.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse

Sharing sexual images of someone without permission is digital sexual abuse and can have long-lasting effects on the individual's life. It is also abusive to send someone sexual images without their consent or to pressure someone into sending sexual images, for example, in exchange for payment.

In the early months of the relationship, Lára found it admirable and sexy how easy it was to talk about sex with Þröstur. But over time, his need to discuss and engage in sex seemed to increase, and she started to feel uncomfortable. Especially when he shared with her a rape fantasy he had.

One night, Lara wakes up to find Þröstur having sex with her. She doesn't know what to do, so she does nothing. Afterward, Þröstur thanks her, turns over, and falls asleep.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

People who are asleep or unconscious cannot give consent for sexual activity. It doesn't matter whether the parties are in a romantic relationship or not, sexual relations without consent is sexual abuse. In many cases of sexual abuse, the abuser is someone the victim knows.

• Guide to the judicial system for victims of sexual crimes

Haukur recently started dating Kalli, who is quite a bit older than him. The relationship is new and exciting, and Haukur is very much in love. Kalli is Haukur's first boyfriend who is not yet ready to come out to his family.

Kalli has told Haukur several times that he does not look gay enough. Haukur is hurt by this but wonders if Kalli might be right. After a few months, they start to argue more frequently. Kalli insists that Haukur is not a real homosexual because he has been in a relationship with a girl before and threatens to 'out' Haukur.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Making repeated threats and criticism is psychological abuse. Of course, disagreements can always arise between partners in a relationship, and sometimes it's hard to recognize what constitutes psychological abuse. It is always abusive when there is an imbalance of power, for example, due to age and experience, and the more powerful person uses it to gain their way.

In addition to other forms of abuse, LGBT+ individuals may be at risk of their sexuality or gender identity being used to abuse them.

A true story about psychological abuse

Hans was in a psychologically abusive relationship with an older man for four years. At first, the relationship was good, but then his boyfriend started to constantly criticize Hans. His boyfriend controlled their finances, household, and Hans' interactions with family and friends. There was a constant pressure on a thousand little things.

Kristjana is an artist, and her husband Jói works at a bank. Jói offered to manage their finances since it is his area of expertise. At first, she was relieved, but now she feels uncomfortable not having access to their bank accounts. She also finds it unfair that Jói sometimes refuses to give her money for necessities, despite him buying tobacco and alcohol with their money.

When she asks Jói to involve her in their finances, he always dismisses her with sarcastic remarks that it's too complicated for her, that she need not worry, and questions if she really does not trust him with the finances.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Yes, this is abuse.

It is financial abuse when someone controls how you use your money or spends shared money without permission. It's natural for disagreements to occur between partners, but it's abusive when one partner has the upper hand and uses it to get their way against the other's will.

Making your partner financially dependent on you is one of the control tactics used by perpetrators in an abusive relationship.

Katrín had been single for a considerable time when she met Siggi. He is very charming and cheerful. Katrín has never had such a good time. Everything happens quickly, and after a few months, Siggi moves in with her. They spend a lot of time together and often call and text each other when apart.

Lately, Siggi has become increasingly jealous. He accuses Katrín of flirting with other men and thinks she dresses too provocatively and in tight clothes. Although he never says it outright, it seems like he does not want her to meet her girlfriends. Katrín starts to be careful about how she behaves and what she says so as not to anger Siggi.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Accusing your partner of flirting and trying to control with fits of anger how they dress and who they meet is psychological abuse.

It can be difficult to identify control that is not explicitly stated. Using anger, sulkiness, or silence to make others do as one wishes is also a form of control.

Huang-Kai was hired to work as a cook at a restaurant in Reykjavík. His employer provided him with accommodation nearby and promised to send a part of his wages to his family.

When Covid started, the employer's behavior towards Huang-Kai changed; suddenly his passport was taken from him, and he received no wages. Huang-Kai was forbidden to leave the restaurant; the employer put a location tracker in his phone, and he was made to sleep on the kitchen floor of the restaurant.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Not paying someone wages for their work is illegal and can be one of many indicators of human trafficking. Holding a person captive and taking away their passport are characteristics of human trafficking. You can help prevent trafficking by closely monitoring people in your immediate environment, recognizing the signs, and reporting it to 112.

Bella is a young girl from South America who came to Iceland to work as an au-pair for an Icelandic family. She enjoys looking after the children and occasionally cooking as agreed upon. Soon, the workload increases, and she is expected to work more hours per day than is legally allowed.

When Bella is asked to serve at parties for her host family's friends, and she receives less allowance than entitled to, she raises a concern. The family threatens that she will lose her residence permit and that the agreement will be terminated if she makes an issue of this.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

In this case, the family does not have permission to have Bella do other jobs besides caring for children and light housework; she should not work more than 5 hours a day and should be paid as agreed upon. Otherwise, exploiting a person's labor for one's own benefit constitutes human trafficking, and human trafficking is a form of abuse.

A person has the right not to be threatened. Using a person's fear and insecurity in a new country through threats is a way to control them and is part of the methods used by human traffickers.

Michael has recently moved to Iceland through his friend Fred, who had promised to find him work and accommodation. To start with these were part-time jobs cleaning but soon, Fred started taking him for night-time drives to look at houses around the city. Fred once dared Michael to break into a house with a crowbar, threatening to harm Michael's children if he did not comply.

Michael, fearful of Fred, begins to break into a house of Fred's choosing. He dares not refuse Fred, even though Fred keeps all the proceeds from the burglary.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Yes, this is abuse. Forcing someone to commit a crime for you is equivalent to the guilt of the one who coerces. This is called exploitation of a person and it is a form of human trafficking.

Part of the traffickers' methods is to exploit a person's vulnerable situation in a new country through threats to control them. It can be difficult to recognize the signs as they are often hidden. Even if someone threatens you with violence, it is always possible to seek help. The first step is to contact 112 and receive advice on how to escape these circumstances.

Miriam was deprived of her freedom and forced into prostitution in her home country. Next thing she knows, her hair is cut and dyed, and she's flown to Iceland with fake identification. In Iceland, she is continued to be forced into prostitution, without any say in the matter.

Miriam has no money or friends to turn to. She dares not protest her situation for fear her family back in Latvia will be subjected to violence. She does not know where she will be sent next or how to break free from this vicious cycle.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Many associate the word prostitution with sex trafficking. Selling sex is legal in Iceland but it's illegal for anyone else to profit from selling access to a person's body.

If someone threatens you or your family with violence for refusing to do something, that is psychological abuse.

You can break out of the cycle by seeking assistance through 112. There are professionals there who can guide you through the process, step by step, without jeopardizing your safety.

Fatima is an Iranian girl who moved here with her family a few years ago. She is in the 8th grade at a primary school in Reykjavík and has many good friends in her class, both of Icelandic and foreign origin. In recent weeks, Fatima has been walking home with her classmate Jóhann, enjoying his company because he is funny, entertaining, and smart.

Fatima's brother dislikes their friendship, giving Jóhann dirty looks every time they meet. Shortly after, he tackles Jóhann aggressively during sports, but Jóhann does not make a big deal out of it. Fatima and Jóhann unexpectedly meet at a convenience store one evening and talk for a long time. The day before summer break, her father suddenly appears at school and escorts her home. The summer passes without anyone seeing Fatima, and when school starts again, Fatima does not return.

Is this abuse?

Yes, this is abuse.

Yes, it is abuse when you do not have the freedom to pursue education or communicate with those you want to. This is likely to be honor-based violence, particularly when the perpetrators are the victim's family from another cultural background. Young girls have been prevented from returning to Iceland when their families feel they have become too westernized or have adapted too much to the new culture.