Older adults and abuse

The relationship with the abuser can often be complicated

You may have been in an abusive relationship for many years, whether you are married, cohabiting, or in another living arrangement.

Leaving can feel impossible because of emotional ties and family bonds with children, grandchildren, and other relatives.

You may not want to rock the boat, or you might simply lack the energy to face such significant changes. You might fear that encouraging the abuser to seek help could trigger further harm. Worrying about how your family will react if you separate or break ties is also common.

Older victims have often been connected to their abuser for a long time through a spousal relationship or other close family ties.

Statistics on domestic abuse and older adults

• One in six individuals over the age of 60 has experienced some form of abuse.
• People over 60 are more likely to experience abuse from relatives or close associates than younger demographics.
• Estimates suggest that only about 4% of domestic abuse cases involving older victims are ever reported.
• Older victims are more likely than younger victims to live with their abuser.
• They are also less likely to attempt to leave.
• Only about 30% of older sexual abuse victims report the crime.

Health and caregivers

Health problems in older adults can increase vulnerability and raise the risk of domestic abuse.

Your health may be declining. You might rely on a spouse or an external party, such as a family member or caregiver, for help with daily activities.

Caring for an older adult who is unwell can be stressful. This stress can cause someone with no history of abusive behavior to lose patience and lash out at the person in their care. In other cases, someone who has never been abusive becomes aggressive after falling ill themselves. This sometimes applies to individuals living with dementia.

You may depend on your spouse or other close family members for help with basic tasks. Your spouse or family members might use this dependence to abuse you.

Health problems can make it even harder to seek help. You may have difficulty leaving the house, or the person abusing you might stay with you constantly, leaving few opportunities to speak privately about what is happening.

Generational attitudes

You may have grown up believing that what happens behind closed doors is a private matter not to be discussed with others.

Domestic abuse and available resources were rarely discussed in the past.

Many older victims are unaware of the support available to them because these services either did not exist or were heavily stigmatized when they were younger.

Remember, it is never too late to seek help.

Click to read information about support for victims

What are the effects of domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse has serious consequences for victims. Older adults are in a particularly vulnerable position, as they may be more sensitive to physical and emotional harm, have reduced physical strength, and typically take longer to recover than younger victims.

Regardless of whether the abuse is physical, psychological, sexual, or financial, it can profoundly impact mental and physical well-being.

As a victim, you may experience significant stress, dysphoria, and loneliness, which can exacerbate existing health conditions and negatively affect cognitive function and physical ability.

If you are experiencing abuse, it is vital to seek help and support as soon as possible to protect your health.

Taking the first steps can be difficult. Those living with abuse are often exhausted, frightened, and holding out hope that things will improve. These feelings are entirely normal, and everyone who provides support and counseling understands them well; no one will blame you for not acting sooner.

As a victim, you have the right to a secure life in a safe environment. You have the right to use the resources available to you. You have the right to seek help, and you deserve to receive it.

Nothing excuses abusive behavior.

Types of abuse

The following descriptions cover different types of abuse, though these examples do not represent the full spectrum of what can occur.

Physical violence

Physical abuse involves attacks such as hitting, pushing, beating, kicking, or choking. The abuse often results in physical injuries and visible marks, though not always.

For example:

Sigurður and Jónína have lived together for a long time. According to her, he has always had a short temper, but when Jónína was recovering from hip surgery and could no longer look after him, he became frequently angry, hitting and kicking her whenever he felt she was being too slow.

María cares for her elderly grandfather and assists him with daily tasks. She often loses her patience because he moves slowly and frequently struggles to understand her requests. María has pushed her grandfather to make him walk faster, sometimes causing him to fall and hurt himself.

Psychological abuse

Psychological abuse can include intimidation, humiliation, threats, the silent treatment, and isolation from family and friends. Psychological abuse can cause severe emotional harm. Psychological abuse leaves no visible marks.

For example:

Apinya is originally from Thailand. She lives with her daughter and her daughter's family. Her son-in-law, Tómas, is kind and attentive toward Apinya when others are around, but cruel and hostile when they are alone. He calls her an old rice-eater, mocks her Icelandic, and belittles everything she does.

Neglect

Neglect occurs when a person's basic needs are unmet, or when someone deliberately prevents an older adult from fulfilling those needs. Neglect can also be unintentional, such as when a caregiver is incapable of providing adequate support. Basic needs include adequate nutrition, shelter, safety, hygiene assistance, and similar essentials.

For example:

Sunna lived alone, but as she got older she began to struggle with self-care, frequently forgetting to eat and drink enough fluids. Her son and his wife invited Sunna to move in so they could help her with daily activities. However, the couple worked long hours and were rarely home, leaving Sunna largely on her own. One day, they returned from work to find Sunna unconscious on the living room floor. They took her to a doctor, who determined she was severely malnourished.

Ragnar had difficulty moving around and had begun experiencing memory loss. His husband, who had been in better health and served as Ragnar's primary caregiver, fell ill and died shortly after. Wanting to stay in his own home, Ragnar offered his adult son free housing and meals in exchange for help with his daily needs.

His son agreed but quickly showed little interest in actually helping. He failed to prepare meals as discussed, pick up Ragnar's medications, or ensure his father took them.

Ragnar's condition deteriorated rapidly, raising alarms when he repeatedly missed scheduled doctor's appointments. A social worker visited and found Ragnar in poor condition. He was malnourished, disoriented, and in urgent need of medical attention.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse includes rape and any other sexual contact that occurs without consent. It also covers showing someone explicit material without their consent, forcing them to watch sexual acts, or taking sexual images and threatening to share them. All of these constitute sexual abuse.

For example:

Stefán's health has declined significantly in recent years. His hearing is no longer sharp, he moves slowly, and he needs help with daily tasks. He often struggles to follow conversations, and people do not always understand him.

Stefán lives at home and receives support from visiting caregivers. One staff member sexually abuses Stefán during these home visits. The caregiver gropes his genitals while bathing him and forces Stefán to touch theirs. Due to his health, Stefán is unable to give consent and has difficulty asking for help. He tries to tell other caregivers about the abuse, but they either dismiss his claims or cannot understand him.

Financial abuse

Financial abuse or exploitation can include theft, fraud, spending a victim's money without consent, denying a victim access to their finances, and forging signatures.

For example:

Jóna lives alone in her own home. Her oldest grandchild helps her run errands she finds difficult, such as grocery shopping and visiting the bank. Jóna gave the grandchild access to her online bank and electronic ID to pay bills and withdraw grocery money. Months later, when Jóna needed cash, she discovered her grandchild had been regularly transferring large sums into their own account, draining Jóna's savings.

A few months ago, Andri received a call from an unknown number. The caller asked whether he would like to support poor children abroad. Andri thought it was a worthy cause and asked how he could help. The caller asked for Andri's ID number and full card details, claiming they were necessary to communicate with the bank. Trusting the caller, Andri provided all the requested information. It later came to light that the caller used this information to withdraw significant sums from his card.

Click to read more about financial abuse

What can be done to reduce the risk of abuse

Like everyone else, older adults deserve to live in a safe environment. No one should have to live with abuse or fear becoming a victim.

What can you do?

• Maintain strong relationships with family and friends.
• Build connections with your service providers to make it easier to ask for support or counseling if needed.
• Take steps to make sure your finances are in order.
• Stay active and participate in social activities.

Perpetrators

Are you being abusive?

Do any of the following apply to you as a caregiver for an older relative or older adult?

• Have you screamed at or called an older adult names?
• Have you threatened an older adult with violence?
• Have you humiliated an older adult?
• Have you pushed, hit, or physically restrained an older adult?
• Have you pressured an older adult into taking part in unwanted sexual acts?
• Do you have access to an older adult's finances and are you misusing it?
• Are you trying to isolate an older adult from others?
• Have you prevented someone from visiting the doctor without you?

Click to read information for people who have committed abuse.